Many years ago, in the mid 80s, Melanie, a close
friend of mine was assaulted and raped by her live in boyfriend. She
came to me as a friend she could trust for support and for the next
year, I spent as much time as possible with her, helping her to get over
the pain and trauma of what had happened. During that time, the
ex-boyfriend drove by or came to my apartment in the middle of the night
on numerous occasions - fortunately, we weren't there the half dozen
times he actually came into the building. On one of these nocturnal visits
when we were away, the woman across the hall was forced to call the
police out of fear for herself.
Many evenings I would drive behind Melanie's car the 18 miles to her parents' home so that she would feel safe from this monster. Remember, the laws were a great deal different in the 80s - women didn't have the protection they now have against these abusers.
Eventually, Melanie chose to move away so that she would feel safe - to California, from Ontario, Canada. Before she made that decision, she went through some significant pain. It took a long time before she got her life straightened out again.
She is now married, with children, and living a good life with a decent man. She's gotten a Masters degree and done very well professionally. I rarely hear from her, but I am content knowing she is safe, and happy.
And her ex boyfriend? He was jailed a few years later for the murder of his ex wife. He saw her leaving a tennis court and drove over her with his car, then reversed and did it again. I learned about it from the newspaper because his ex wife has the same last name as I do, although she wasn't related.
Forward now to 2012 - someone I once loved (and who loved me) and whom I still care very much about has become involved in a relationship with a man with a long history of violence and abuse. Already I can see the changes in this woman, as this man influences her life and how she thinks.
I do not want to see again the fear and the terror I saw in Melanie's eyes in the gaze of yet another woman I care about and so I've created this blog, describing a man to whom women are things to be used, damaged and hurt, as he did his last girlfriend. I don't want to get an email one evening from someone telling me that this new woman, my friend, is in the hospital, badly hurt, or worse - which is the only possible outcome from living with an abuser, unless the woman gets out.
Of course, to his victims, the abuser doesn't appear to be evil. This man has been described to me by several people, including the nephew of one of his victims, as 'smooth', or 'very smooth'. To his victims, this sort of man seems to be caring, considerate, and helpful - until he turns violent and hurts them. Then, he begs forgiveness, saying it will never happen again. But it does. Over and over again, until the abuser is put in jail - or sometimes, when the woman is so badly hurt that she sees the light and leaves.
In this blog, I will outline the facts about what this man has done in the past, including court documents and statements from his ex girlfriend and friends and relatives of hers. See for yourself the ongoing pain in that family, even after he has been ordered, by the court, to stay away from this woman.
As this site grows, I will also provide links to various resources I have found online that I feel may be useful to you, should you or a friend or loved one be in a similar situation.
It is my hope that the information contained in this blog will help someone - anyone - who is facing a similar situation, to protect someone they care about from being hurt, or worse.
And perhaps, just perhaps, my friend will understand why I am doing this and how afraid I am for her. And perhaps, one day, she'll forgive me for caring this much, because I know how angry she is with me for having taken this step.
Why is she angry? Because she doesn't see what her friends are seeing, that this man is unremittingly violent, that there's an ongoing history of violence with more than one woman, that there is an ongoing and serious 20 year criminal history...and she doesn't seem to understand that friends look out for friends, even at the cost of losing that friendship, as has happened here.
She doesn't see that what her friends are doing, out of fear for her safety...is exactly what she would do if the situation were reversed, if her friends or her daughters were in this position, because she is the most caring and loyal of friends.
“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really co-operating with it.” Martin Luther King
Many evenings I would drive behind Melanie's car the 18 miles to her parents' home so that she would feel safe from this monster. Remember, the laws were a great deal different in the 80s - women didn't have the protection they now have against these abusers.
Eventually, Melanie chose to move away so that she would feel safe - to California, from Ontario, Canada. Before she made that decision, she went through some significant pain. It took a long time before she got her life straightened out again.
She is now married, with children, and living a good life with a decent man. She's gotten a Masters degree and done very well professionally. I rarely hear from her, but I am content knowing she is safe, and happy.
And her ex boyfriend? He was jailed a few years later for the murder of his ex wife. He saw her leaving a tennis court and drove over her with his car, then reversed and did it again. I learned about it from the newspaper because his ex wife has the same last name as I do, although she wasn't related.
Forward now to 2012 - someone I once loved (and who loved me) and whom I still care very much about has become involved in a relationship with a man with a long history of violence and abuse. Already I can see the changes in this woman, as this man influences her life and how she thinks.
I do not want to see again the fear and the terror I saw in Melanie's eyes in the gaze of yet another woman I care about and so I've created this blog, describing a man to whom women are things to be used, damaged and hurt, as he did his last girlfriend. I don't want to get an email one evening from someone telling me that this new woman, my friend, is in the hospital, badly hurt, or worse - which is the only possible outcome from living with an abuser, unless the woman gets out.
Of course, to his victims, the abuser doesn't appear to be evil. This man has been described to me by several people, including the nephew of one of his victims, as 'smooth', or 'very smooth'. To his victims, this sort of man seems to be caring, considerate, and helpful - until he turns violent and hurts them. Then, he begs forgiveness, saying it will never happen again. But it does. Over and over again, until the abuser is put in jail - or sometimes, when the woman is so badly hurt that she sees the light and leaves.
In this blog, I will outline the facts about what this man has done in the past, including court documents and statements from his ex girlfriend and friends and relatives of hers. See for yourself the ongoing pain in that family, even after he has been ordered, by the court, to stay away from this woman.
As this site grows, I will also provide links to various resources I have found online that I feel may be useful to you, should you or a friend or loved one be in a similar situation.
It is my hope that the information contained in this blog will help someone - anyone - who is facing a similar situation, to protect someone they care about from being hurt, or worse.
And perhaps, just perhaps, my friend will understand why I am doing this and how afraid I am for her. And perhaps, one day, she'll forgive me for caring this much, because I know how angry she is with me for having taken this step.
Why is she angry? Because she doesn't see what her friends are seeing, that this man is unremittingly violent, that there's an ongoing history of violence with more than one woman, that there is an ongoing and serious 20 year criminal history...and she doesn't seem to understand that friends look out for friends, even at the cost of losing that friendship, as has happened here.
She doesn't see that what her friends are doing, out of fear for her safety...is exactly what she would do if the situation were reversed, if her friends or her daughters were in this position, because she is the most caring and loyal of friends.
“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really co-operating with it.” Martin Luther King
